You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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