why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
