i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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