My sheets look like a crime scene.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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