If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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