Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
