It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize