I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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