she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
