She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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