just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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