i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
