she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
