could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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