I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
