Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
