I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
