Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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