apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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