Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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