Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
