my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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