I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
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