the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
