Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
