never play flip cup with pint glasses
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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