so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize