Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
