Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
