Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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