So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Just took my morning after pill in the library
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
