when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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