i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
