I accidentally burped into my bong.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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