You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I am one with the molecules
Randomize
