I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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