i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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