I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
