It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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