hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize