I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
