I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
