Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
