So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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