so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
