Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
