You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
