rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
