i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
