i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
