all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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