ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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