i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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