Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Randomize
