i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
