last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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