So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
