I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
