If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
