Well apparently he's into motor boating.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
