Your tits are I can't wait for
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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